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Avg. Rating: 4.5
Not much of a title...
It's difficult to give high marks to a book about marriage which doesn't include the phrase "marriage confers no rights on men, only obligations". Thus, I'd say this book is mostly for women. Between the misc biographical info on the author's own two marriages and the various philosophical meanderings with regard to the subject, the main message here is that marriage is an extremely fragile object (not that Roiphe is the sort of author to boil it down so). The fact that love is a glue which can evaporate rather predictably is not exactly news, as it's the prime rationale behind efforts to involve the state in enforcing the marriage contract and strengthening the institution. But this isn't that sort of book. Rather, it's the sort which raises a lot of questions and only sometimes provides tentative answers. Some may say this makes the book seem deep and profound. I nearly lost interest half way through, though I did like some of the second half better than the first (such as the section on arranged marriages). There were one or two gems of wisdom to be gleaned, but not enough to make me really enthusiastic and recommend the book. I had several gripes. Roiphe makes several patently ridiculous statements along the way without seeming to realize it. Maybe she needs to challenge her sacred cows more. Her many references to characters in various novels will likely be lost on someone who wasn't an English major (or maybe a Feminist Studies major). And she's stuck in the paradigm where it's always progressive liberal feminist types battling it out with traditional conservative christian family values types. In other words, she's oblivious to any possible third, fourth, or fifth perspective, which can make a reader feel left out or unimportant. Heck, she wouldn't like me anyway because I climb mountains, an activity she only shows she doesn't understand and therefore probably shouldn't be mentioning to make a point. (Same goes for day-trading the stock market.) I also thought it somewhat strange that hubbie #1 from 20+ years ago, with whom there was much drama, looms larger than current longtime hubbie #2 who is a ghost-like figure here. All-in-all, this wasn't a total waste of time to read, but it might have been better had it been distilled down to one of those very lengthy essay/articles which Harper's magazine has. 2 1/2 - 3 stars, though I'll be charitable and round up because I'm a big fan of daughter Katie's work.
lucid, witty
Anne Roiphe does not present herself as a sage who knows all the answers. In "Marriage: A Fine Predicament" she muses on her two marital unions. The first one, made at a young age to a self-absorbed playwright, produced a daughter and some hard-won self-insight and wisdom. The second, a longlasting union with a psychoanalyst who helped her raise their blended family of five daughters---two his, one hers, and two theirs--has given her optimism and faith in the institution of marriage.
She worries for some of her daughters, as yet unmarried, and ponders whether arranged marriages---the norm in many places over many centuries---work out better than "romantic" ones. She roams over many topics, including the introduction of children into the marriage, the influence of in-laws, the differing gender-natures of male and female, the recurring patterns of relationships in families.
I enjoyed the book for Roiphe's witty, elegant yet clear-as-water prose, although I didn't agree with all of her statements and/or conclusions. Since she wrote in far less than didactic style, I don't think she'll mind. Readers, especially those who are wives- and- mothers over a certain age, will find her excellent company as she probes our common concerns. Highly recommended!
Pre-Marital Must Read
I've become so accustomed to Pollyannaish [style] in the field of marriage/divorce that I opened this book more than a little cynical about what I would find -- just more "10 Simple Steps to Feeling Giddy About Your Mate" drivel. But the first few pages hooked me. Here is perhaps the most objective, show-no-mercy, honest book about marriage and divorce I've read. Having gone through my own marital struggles over the past eighteen years (and still married) I was at once sobered, enlightened, discouraged, and at times just a little hopeful about this sticky entanglement we call marriage. That she writes from a feminist point of view did not at all distract or demean this male reader.The genius in Roiphe's writing is she doesn't take the typical overworn and silly Mars/Venus approach to describing all marital ills. People are complex, their issues are complex, their childhoods are complex, their value systems are complex, their ever changing needs and wants and motives are complex and when two complex people come together in marriage all hell can and often does break loose -- IF people are awake and listening to what is going on in their souls and in their marriages. If I were a pre-marriage counselor this is the first and perhaps only book I would give to the naive young couple before me. Only then would the simplistic formula books on marital bliss make any sense...if, that is, they ever make it to the alter.
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