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The latest tentacle of John Gray's formidable Mars and Venus octopus deals with a topic near to the heart of almost everybody--dating. With a lot of insight and common sense, Gray tackles the hard and often messy business of finding "a soul mate." Without fear or favor,Mars and Venus on a Datedissects the dynamics between men and women and the five stages each relationship must pass through: attraction, uncertainty, exclusivity, intimacy, and, finally, engagement (for marriage, of course). Even thoughMars and Venus on a Dateisn'tThe Rulesby a long shot, the courtship it describes is surprisingly old-fashioned. It's chock-full of things your mother might say: "Most people find or are found by their soul mates when they are not really looking." "The man should never talk more than the woman." But how to know if the person you're with is your "soul mate?" Gray writes, "When our soul wants to marry our partner, it feels like a promise that we came into this world to keep." Which translates into, "When you know, you know."
My take on Mars and Venus on a date "MARS AND VENUS ON A DATE" is a great book. It is very educational for anyone that is single and just can't seem to find their sole mate or they discard their sole mate for lack of understanding them. I do think that everyone should read "MEN ARE FROM MARS AND WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS" first, so that this book makes complete sense. These are two great books and everyone should read them. These books really help to improve your communication skills with the opposite sex~!
A MUST for everyone! Talk about a wake-up call. I'm 30 years-old and feel like this book taught me more about relationships (men vs. women mentality) in 1 hour than I've learned in all that time. While reading it, you will have light-bulb after light-bulb type moments. Heck, you may even smack yourself square in the forehead with a resounding, "D'oh!" John Gray knows men and he knows women, and the biggest lesson he contiues to teach is that we are NOT the same. We do NOT think the same. This book does a fantastic job of not only explaining that, but also giving us advice on how we go about having a successful relationship in spite of our differences. A must read. For women...AND men!All right, but too feminized for men Although I didn't want to believe it until relatively recently, Dr Gray is pretty close to the truth in some regards. What really changed my opinion was reading the most phenomenal book, Robert Greene's Art of Seduction. If you are a man, you will have a very incomplete picture of how to attract and seduce the women you want if you only read Dr. Gray's book, but think of this book almost like Greene's book for a more moralistic audience than that for which Greene is writing.
But in all seriousness fellas, if you follow this too closely, your woman will not respect you. She WILL walk all over you. It's going to happen. You cannot take exactly the mindset that Gray is proposing men take and be successful. Men must not continue to cowtow to women who disrespect them. It only leads to marital disaster. Men should always seek to treat women well, but really expensive dates and gifts must only be given to reward her good behavior. While men clearly do not get this kind of advice from Dr. Gray, (and if they did, the largely female population who buys his books would start burning his books) women, on the other hand, are taught what good behavior is.
Now, if what a man really wants to do is to seduce a woman, to really get under her skin, men should listen carefully to what Dr. Gray has to say. The first two stages of dating should really be renamed and merged into one- it should be called creating interest and desire. This should be the time to send mixed messages of attraction and uncertainty, as Dr. Gray calls it. His first two stages are opposite sides of the same coin and happen simultaneously. As Richard Bandler put it, it is sending the signal "Come Away Closer." I believe that men should really start from an angle with women. Just simply talking- about her and her life, and revealing yourself slowly. No heavy, sexual, or sappy topics for discussion, but sexuality should be communicated through your sincere interest and appreciation, your voice, through insinuation, and through touch. This is when you must enter the other person's reality in order to draw them away from it.
Then, once sufficient interest and desire is generated, if a man wants to pursue a woman, then the next stage must begin where a woman is brought into a new reality- one filled with pleasure and romance. This is equivalent to John's third stage of exclusivity. It is true that men can really screw things up by pushing for sex too soon. Women are much like pomegranites- sweet, delicious, tender. But if you try to pick them when they are on the vine, they are hard and bitter. They require careful cultivation, and they will become riper and riper, getting heavy and full of sweet juices- so heavy they fall on their own. That is when they are most delicious. Men must not push a woman for sex. Just catch her when she's ready to fall. Rather, during the exclusivity period this is the time where a man must lead a woman astray- to create a new reality for a woman where she is brought into a world of pleasure. Men need all the surprises, words, and attention to detail that Dr. Gray describes here. They need not spend a fortune to do so, but the idea here is to isolate the woman from her humdrum reality to the point where she does not want to turn back. However, Dr. Gray is not right about who has the real power in this phase. While it seems that the woman has the real power here, it is simply not so. Yes the woman can get anything she wants, but it is the man who is casting and deepening the spell. The MAN is the one who is getting all the power here.
But it is not enough to lead a woman astray. The connection between the two of you must be deepened. This is where a woman will become emotional, and there are going to be times when a woman needs to know that you can be her emotional Rock of Gibraltar. Dr. Gray is very right to warn men of this. But smart men also know the magic that pulling back just a little can have. Women NEED the gift of missing a man. This really only deepens her affections for a him. But men should not stay away so long that real anger or resentment is built up. A couple should be building a spiritual side to the relationship here as well, so that when the woman finally does surrender she is not acting like or being treated like a prostitute. A real connection with a man on a mental, emotional, and spiritual level make physical surrender inevitable. A person in lust is wild and apt to leave you at any time. A person in love will surrender completely, and the bold move to which they are dying to surrender and dying for you to make will be as refreshing to them as the rain after so many hot summer days. And that moment of surrender is very, very sweet for both of you. So this period of a relationship is clearly the intimacy period in Dr. Gray's scheme. It is culminated with the physical surrender of a woman. Although Dr. Gray does not say this, people do not move past this phase until sexual surrender happens. Whether the couple has taken wedding vows or not has nothing to do with whether a couple has moved through this phase. John is absolutely right that when married couples separate they are going back to an earlier stage in dating.
It is only after the sexual relationship is consummated that we can fully reenter reality. The honeymoon is over, and the fire that burnt during the sexual surrender is now only embers. If we pay them no attention they will die out. Refusal to take the relationship to the next level and become engaged will kill it. But if we want it to continue it will continue to require love, care and attention. And we have to apply the practical skills Dr. Gray talks about in the engagement chapter. And those skills are the essence of charm. The engagement phase is also where fear and jealousy must be driven out by self-sacrificing love and a desire to cooperate.
Now Dr. Gray, in essence, has explained how to have a very high quality seduction. This is absolutely necessary if a marriage is to last. However, his book is very weak in the area of developing a seductive character. He has only truly focused on tactics and tricks. The fact of the matter is that nobody wants to be with people who are sticks in the mud. Nobody wants to be with passive aggressive people, psychotic people, windbags, moralizers, the self absorbed. Rather men want women who are fun playmates, sensual, able to draw out the best in a man. Women who have charm and grace in their interactions with others. Women are attracted to men who are not ashamed of their manly desires, who give generously of themselves, who are mature yet playful, who are confident. Careful attention to your character is the best way to raise your value in the eyes of your partner. Dr. Gray should have given much more attention to this very important topic.
So to summarize, the book has a good deal of psychological wisdom. It is a much better book for women than it is for men. Following his advice will help men and women mutually seduce each other, and give a marriage a strong, solid footing. If you are a man looking for a lot of sexual conquests, this is definitely NOT your book. But if you are looking to win the heart, mind, body, and soul of a woman who is worth winning, the quality of what you'll get will most certainly make up for the reduction in numbers.
I feel that his book should have been reorganized and focused around three major themes. First, he should have focused on the seductive personality. Next, he should have focused on the seductive process. Finally he should have addressd so many of the practical issues which he handled with great aplomb. But overall, the book is not bad. I just think that someone with his depth of psychological knowledge could have written a better book.
